Buffy- South Park Style
by noisemaker
Summary: The title says it all. It should be worth the read, it isn't completely without laughs.


# Buffy- South Park Style

OPENING SCENE

CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Cartman's Mother: (walkds into room as Cartman struggles to switch off TV) Eric, you're going to miss the bus… what were you watching?

Cartman: Uh,… nothing! Bye Ma!

Mother: (angrily) Were you watching those Buffy tapes again?

Cartman: Nooooo!! (Slams door)

STAN AT FRONT DOOR

Stan: Cartman likes Buffy, Cartman likes Buffy…

Cartman: Shuttup! I do not!

AT BUS STOP

Kyle: What's going on guys?

Stan: Cartman likes Buffy.

Cartman: DO NOT!!! (Big fart)

Kyle: Dude!

Ike: Barfy the Vampire Slayer

Cartman: I'll kill you!

Ike: Don't kick the baby!

BOOT

Ike: Eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Kyle: Hey fat ass, leave my brother alone!

ALL WALK TOWARDS CARTMAN

Cartman: Hey… hey guys…. I didn't do nothing…. let's all just calm down…

FINDS HIMSELF IN STREET

GETS HIT BY BUS

ALL GOES BLURRY

CARTMAN GETS UP IN ALLEY, DRESSED LIKE BUFFY

Cartman: What the hell is this?

A COW POPS OU WITH HUGE BLOODY POINTY TEETH

Cartman: Holy crap!

CARTMAN PUNCHES COW

COW FLYS BACK ONTO POINTY PIECE OF WOOD

COW TURNS TO DUST

Cartman: Sweet.

CARTMAN RUNS HOME

Cartman: Mom!

Cartman's mother: Buffy, where have you been?

Cartman: Whu?

Chef: (walks in front door) Buffy has been chosen.

Cartman: Chef?

Chef: Giles. We have to move, now!

Cartman: Noooo!!! 

RUNS TO TREEHOUSE IN BACKYARD

KENNY IN TREEHOUSE

Cartman: Kenny?

Kenny: Mfnmf

Cartman: Angel? No, I can't see you now.

Kenny: Mnfnm fnms mfnf nfmf!

Cartman: No. I have to go. And don't you follow me!

Kenny: Mnfmnf mmfn mfmf!

Cartman: So? The sun doesn't scare me!

Kenny: Mfff! Nfmf nmf mfn fmf!

Cartman: Holy crap! I gotta stop him!

RUNS INTO HOUSE

Cartman: Giles! Angel said the master's gonna take over the world!

Chef: I know! To the meeting room!

## ALL IN STAN'S TREEHOUSE

Cartman: What should we do?

Mr. Hankey: Kill him maybe? Duh!

Chef: It's not that easy, Cordelia.

Cartman: Demon!

Chef: Whu?

ALIEN AT ENTRANCE

CARTMAN GETS BIG KNIFE

Cartman: Hi- yah!

DEMON'S HEAD POPS OFF

Cartman: Kick ass.

Chef: Good job.

ENTER WENDY, KYLE, & STAN

Kyle: Lock me up, I'm becoming a werewolf.

Wendy: I'll conjure up the cage.

WENDY PUTS ARMS IN AIR, GOES "HUM"

METAL BARS APPEAR AROUND KYLE

KYLE TURNS INTO WEREWOLF

Cartman: Wendy? Stan? Kyle?

Wendy: Willow.

Stan: Xander.

Kyle: Rowr.

Wendy: He means Oz.

Cartman: Well, thanks, now that that's straightened out.

Chef: No time for sarcasm children! Let's move!

Cartman: Where're we going, Giles?

Chef: The Hellmouth!

Stan: Can I come?

Chef: No, Xander. You can't keep being hit in the head and expect to be okay.

Mr. Hankey: Yea, or one of these days you'll wake up in a coma.

Wendy: I'm coming. I'll use my witch powers.

Ike: Me too!

Wendy: Oh yea, meet my friend Amy.

Kyle: Rowr.

ALL CLIMBE OUT BUT KYLE AND STAN

TALK WHILE WALKING

Chef: We're all out of stakes, so we'll use these.

Cartman: What the hell!?!

Chef: Anal probes.

All: Ew.

Starvin' Marvin: Wait!

Chef: Who're you?

Marvin: Whistler. Angel sent me to warn you.

Cartman: Goddammit! I told him not to follow me!

Marvin: He didn't He's meeting you there. He wanted me to tell you the mayor and his new friend Mr. Trick are in on it.

Cartman: Holy crap!

Marvin: That's what I said. He also told me to tell you to squeeze some info out of Willy. He's at the lemonade stand.

Chef: Thanks very much. Let's go!

ALL AT LEMONADE STAND

Cartman: Willy, where are you?

SCUZZELBUTT POPS UP

Scuzzelbutt: Rowr!

Cartman: Tell us what's going on!

Scuzzelbutt: Rrrrrr!

Cartman: Dammit, I'll kill you! Spit it out, now!

Scuzzelbutt: (cowering) Rrrrow rrr wufff.

Chef: What'd he say?

Cartman: If we don't stop the master, he'll take over the world, tonight!

## SCUZZELBUTT DROPS DEAD

Cartman: Hey!

Mayor: Killing's so fun!

Cartman: Who the hell are you?

Mayor: I'm Faith, the other slayer.

????????

Chef: We'll figure it out later. For now, maybe she'll help us.

WALKS DOWN STREET.

KYLE'S PARENTS POP UP

Cartman: Crap! It's Spike and Drucilla!

Kyle's dad: How'd you know?

CARTMAN SHRUGS

Chef: You have to kill them!

Kyle's dad: Shut your gob!

Kyle's mom: Oooh, something's going to happen. The world's gonna end.

Cartman: (Idiot face) Duh

ALL START FIGHTING

CARTMAN "ANAL PROBES" THEM

DUST

Cartman: Dude, that kicked ass!

Chef: Let's go!

ENTRANCE TO CHAMBER OF FARTS

Cartman: Pew. The Hellmouth smells like crap.

Pip: Don't go in there!

Cartman: Who're you?

Pip: Wesley Windam Price, your new watcher. Giles is fired.

Chef: Why?

Pip: Well, there are certain rules one must abide by, and as watcher…

BOOT

PIP FLYS INTO DISTANCE

Cartman: Thanks Giles.

Chef: Oooh, my foot! I booted him a bit too hard. You'll have to go on alone.

Cartman: What about Faith and Willow and Amy?

Ike: No, I gots to get out of here.

TURNS INTO A RAT AND RUNS AWAY

Willow: I'm staying here. I have to try a spell.

Mayor: I'll come, and Angel will be there.

Officer Bar Brady: I always knew you kids were trouble.

Cartman: Principal Snyder. What a pleasant surprise.

Mayor: Why don't you come in with us. (Winks at Buffy)

Officer Bar Brady: Why? Planning to hold me hostage?

Cartman: Yes.

Mayor: No.

Officer Bar Brady: Hmmm.

COW COMES OUT

SUCKS OFFICER BAR BRADY'S BLOOD

GETS "ANAL PROBED"

DUST

Cartman: Haha, he killed the principal

ANGEL APPEARS

Kenny: Mff nfn fm.

Cartman: Okay, we'll follow you.

Kenny: Mfn! Smf nmf mmfn?!

Cartman: No, I'm not Ming Ling! What the crap are you talking about?

Kenny: Mn. Fnmf nn.

ENTER CHAMBER OF FARTS

Cartman: Wow, look at all the vampires.

MR. GARRISON & MR. HAT IN CHAIR

COW MOOS AT HIM

Mr. Garrison: That's right, tonight we'll take over the world.

Mr. Hat: It's almost day.

Mr. Garrison: We'll have to work fast.

CARTMAN AND GROUP JUMP IN

Cartman: You bastard, leave my world alone!

Mayor: Uh, Buffy…

Cartman: Shuttup Faith! I have to kill the master!

Kenny: Mfu fnm mfnmfn n.

Cartman: I won't forget the annointed one, and quite calling me Ming Ling!

Mayor: Buffy, look.

SURROUNDED BY COWS

Mayor: Buffy, the probes aren't enough!

Cartman: God dammit! I hate doing this! I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I want Cheesy Poofs! Stupid vampires, go to hell!!! (Major burst of a fart)

PLACE BURNS APART

SUN COMES UP

ALL IN DUST, INCLUDING ANGEL

Kyle: Oh my God! You killed Angel!

Stan: You bastard!

Chef: Well, all's normal now. Go have fun.

ENTER TOM'S RHINOPLASTY

Cartman: Ah, the Bronze, my favorite hangout.

Stan: Good.

Kyle: You're going to be here a long time.

ALL TURN INTO ALIENS

Wendy: Yay, my spell worked! We're all demons!

Cartman: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

BLURRY

Cartman: Ahhhhhh!!!!!

Kyle: Wake up, fat ass.

Cartman: Whoa, I had the weirdest dream. You were there, and you were there….

Stan: Shut up and get on the bus, dude.

Kenny: Mfn fhm Smf?

Cartman: No! I am not Ming Ling!!!!

THE END??


End file.
